last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
