sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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