i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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