Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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