I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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