I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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