I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
