I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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