If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
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She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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