I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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