I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
