I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
These tits shall not be calmed
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