Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
