so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
