Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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