Please, let me fuck your mom
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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