I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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