Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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