I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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