Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
