I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
