The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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