We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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