My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
