he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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