I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you are never too drunk for berry picking
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
