it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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