tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
