I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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