The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
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dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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