Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
