I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
