dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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