im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
