Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
