I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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