We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
