Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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