I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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