The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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