Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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