my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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