I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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