grandma shit on top of the toilet
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
