I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
