Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
