Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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