He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
