My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
