Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
