wat bout pragnant strippers??
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
