just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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