you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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