i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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