dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
