That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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