Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
