got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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