Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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