can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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